So I'm not big on television, but over the years I've watched an occasional "What Not to Wear" here and there. Aside from a few too many catty remarks, I think Stacey and Clinton are just phenomenal. You see, I have a confession to make. I adore people watching... but I tend to compulsively give them a mental makeover. In line at the bank, sipping coffee in a cafe, even standing at the crosswalk. (Perhaps I never grew out of being a Barbie fashion consultant?)
I don't mean it in a superior judgy sort of way... I just happen to love clothes and makeup and hair and accessories and the art of putting it all together. AND I'm a Virgo so by nature I'm a detail-obsessed perfectionist.
I love the fact that Stacey and Clinton set out to
teach the fashion victim how to shop and how to dress. The fact remains that people are all different shapes and sizes and the sizing system we face is a confusing inconsistent nightmare. However, it's nothing a good tailor can't fix. Why does all their advice seem like common sense after you hear it?
Anyway, I periodically clean out my closet and pretend Stacey and Clinton are helping me. That clearance dress I didn't have time to try on and ended up a disaster? Gone. The gifted jacket with the funky seems? Toss it. My favorite pants that are worn beyond repair? Bye bye. The thrifted scarf that I can't get the funky smell out of? It must go. It's an exercise of brutal honesty and leaves me wishing I had better lighting and a 3 way mirror. How on earth did I end up with so many frumpy outfits? Yuck!
I also love trends, but it can get me into trouble. If you suffer from this affliction, you've been there. You fall so deeply in love with the feminine ruffled neckline that you fail to recognize the fact that your cup size and ruffles should never ever be combined. Unless, of course, Tits McGee is the look you were going for.
This time around I filled 2 large trash bags and parted with a few items that I should have ditched years ago. I'm 29 years old and should not own the mini skirts from my younger days living in Hawaii just because I'm really glad I can still fit in them. Especially since I never wear them and have no desire to so much as use them for beach cover ups. I'm embarrassed to admit I
still ever owned them!
Anyway, in the spirit of What Not to Wear, here are a few of the fashion disasters I see when I'm out and about that drive me nuts:
The "clear" bra strap. Ok ladies, you aren't fooling anyone by wearing a shiny plastic strap that catches the light at every turn. If you can't find a great strapless bra, ditch the garment that calls for one and find something else!!
The dreaded muffin top. How the HELL women can tolerate the feeling of having their circulation cut off I don't understand. To me, the only acceptable pain caused by your wardrobe involves your feet and a pair of killer heels. Anyway, this is a time to remember that the size tag is irrelevant. Buy the bigger pair and stop lying to yourself.
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| NOT flattering, ladies! |
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| Homegirl has no curves. She's allowed to rock 'em. |
Skinny jeans. I'm sorry, but unless you have a particular frame, uber skinny jeans are simply unflattering. A tiny percentage of the population can carry off this fashion trend that refuses to die, and in the mean time we are forced to witness the masses convince themselves the tapered look is good for hips and thighs of women shaped like women. Didn't we learn anything from the 80s? I am not shaped like a 12 year old boy and that's something that I'm thankful for. I dig looking like a woman. Why on earth would I want to jump on a fashion bandwagon that makes me hate my shape? I won't even discuss men in skinny jeans... makes me wretch.
Tacky acrylic nails. There's a fine between tacky and funky. I like funky. But absurdly long fake claws with airbrushing and rhinestones are just heinous. Do we even want to discuss how this woman deals with certain hygienic practices? No.
Corny graphic tees. I just HATE them. Most are overpriced and are even uglier than the knockoffs. Why are they all so obnoxious?!
Holiday junky sweaters. The women who indulge in this tacky mess still haven't been clued in by all the "Ugly Sweater Christmas Parties" people throw to make fun of this horrid tradition. I once saw a woman in a Ground Hog Day sweater. {shudder}
Jorts. No explanation needed. Right up there with mullets and fanny packs, but somehow more popular.
Mariah Carey Syndrome: when women refuse to dress their age/size/both. Overall slut-tastic look on an otherwise attractive person.
What are some of your fav fashion faux pas?
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